Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
