i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
