what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
