I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
