She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
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