i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
