woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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