i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
