Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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