Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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