those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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