I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize