just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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