He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I touched a dick in church today
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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