Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
