don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
