Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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