That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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