I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
