we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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