Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
