No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
