Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
