I'm really into asian looking animals
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
i think i just naturally attract stoners
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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