My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
