On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
