You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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