My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
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