Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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