im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize