All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
