did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
