What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
