Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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