The maid of honor just puked.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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