I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
