if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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