someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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