How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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