Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
