If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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