i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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