first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
