my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
