there was a trapeze. enough said
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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