i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
