So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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