batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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