I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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