3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
