just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
