i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
