Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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