I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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