For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize