Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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