Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize