I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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