I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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