Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
