Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
