I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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