The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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